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The Colbert Report

News/Business. (2011) New. (CC)




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Diane 12, Stephen 11, Wayne 9, Bobby 6, Wayne Ford 5, Abc 3, Georgia 3, Jacqueline Kennedy 3, Romney 3, Chris Toole 3, Us 2, Bravo 2, Diane Sawyer 2, Carolyn 2, America 1, New York City 1, To Tell Us 1, Bigun 1, The Athens 1, The Sellers State 1,
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  Comedy Central    The Colbert Report    News/Business.   
   (2011) New. (CC)  

    September 12, 2011
    11:30 - 12:00am PDT  

( cheers and applause ) >> jon: that's our show. here it is your moment of zen. >> i'm a married man. but if i captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media captioning sponsored by comedy central
( theme song playing ) ( applause ) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i got to tell you-- folks, i got it el it you, after a greeting like that i got to tell you, i don't need to smoke pot, you're a natural high. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: folks, tonight the republican candidates had their second presidential debate in less than a week. and i was excited as a kid in a candy store who spent three hours in that same candy store last wednesday.
(laughter) of course tonight's debate is being cohosted by cnn and the tea party express. so you know it won't be more of the same, same old same old. now we taped the show before the tea party face-off. so let me give you a preview of my analysis tomorrow. oh god so, much blood, where did that tiger come from? (laughter) but folks, the real, the real game changer came before the debate, when former candidate tim pawlenty stopped by to borrow a cup of air time from the fox & friends. >> there's one candidate in this race who is unmatched in his skills and experience and talent when it comes to turning around this economy and growing jobs, and that's mitt romney. and i'm proud and excited to endorse him for president of the united states. >> stephen: this is huge for romney. just weeks ago these two men were bitter rivals, opposite in every way. and look at them now. it's like miracle whip endorsing mayonnaise. (laughter)
plus, plus he has also signed on as the national co-chair of mitt romney's campaign. i hope that doesn't mean he has to give up his other job as assistant manager of the route 23 kinkos. (laughter) these guys have grown so close that romney even invited pawlenty to tonight's debate as his plus 1. plus 1 also the number of votes his endorsement has brought to the romney campaign. (laughter) folks-- (cheers and applause) he-paw. he paw. folks, speak too soon. folks, everyone knows that newspapers are a dying breed. they're part of america's past like buggy whip makers and the middle class. but as much as i dislike them, newspapers do perform an important function. for one, it's hard to house train a dog on an i pad.
app makers, get cracking. but some heroes aren't giving up so easily. they still go after the big scoops the old-fashioned way. "the colbert report"'s stephen colbert report. >> with social networks crowding in, some mainstays of journalism like "the new york times" are abandoning old school reporting for new media. >> i don't know why anybody who is a reporter isn't on twitter. i constantly berate my colleagues who aren't on it. >> but one reporter didn't get that tweet. wayne ford has been working the beat for over 29 years at the athens banner herald, athen's georgia's most prestigious and only newspaper. editor roger nielsen. >> wayne represents the old-fashioned kind of journalist, you know, the shirt and tie kind of guy to go out there and meet people. >> as a journalist i guess growing up walter cronkite was my hero. >> stephen: like his hero
wayne ford knows to get the real story a reporter has to hit the pavement. >> on july 12th, i was at the county sheriff's office probably before 8:00 that morning. and i go through the reports and i came across one report on rogers road. >> stephen: rogers road. >> it's a place where if are you going to run some law that is probably the place you're going to end up. >> stephen: county sheriff, scott berry. >> there are a lot of stories to be told on rogers road. >> stephen: and a story is what wayne needed. so he went out to meet the suspect, a criminal mastermind known as chris toole. >> i got a long history with the county sheriff's department. and usually they don't believe me over anybody else. so normally i'm the one they take to jail whether i'm guilty or not. >> stephen: but -- >> mostly i'm guilty. >> stephen: so what happened that day on rogers road. >> deputies were dispatched through the 911 center to a fight call. >> two of the deputies
decided to take a back entrance because they thought he would probably one. -- run. he has the reputation for it. >> i run because the police want to take me to jail and i don't want to go. >> and he ran out the door carrying a beer in his hand. the deputies order him at taster point to stop. >> according to the report, they asked him ten times to lay down. >> it was sweaty and hot. i didn't want to get dirt all over me. >> he finally laid down and continued to drink his beer wile he was on the ground. >> he was bound and determined to finish that beer before they put the handcuffs on him. >> it was pretty interesting. >> stephen: wayne knew there was a big story here. >> actually, chasing and putting handcuffs on chris toole isn't a big story here. it is one of those thins we do. we've done it before. we'll likely do it again. >> stephen: okay. but wayne knew there was a story here. >> heart racing, wayne arrived on the scene. soon he was face-to-face with the infamous chris toole and what chris told
wayne will shock you. >> he told me, you know, with his mother coming he is going to have to leave. >> there was no story here. >> i was disappointed. >> stephen: disappointed, but not deterred. wayne's journalistic instinct to find a story kicked in. >> i walked up the dirt drive to bobby's house. it was not that far away. >> stephen: this is bobby kirk. wayne had a hunch he would talk. >> well, i tell you what, i-- he keeps hollering it go through your mouth into your stomach, is you got anything in you else's, that stuff going to burn it out, you won't have no kind of disease. that's what they say, huh? >> well, when bobby started talking, i knew i had a story because bobby likes to talk.
>> armadillos, running them hard, you know what, they fly wherever, you don't. they'll tell the young generation don't know nothing. >> stephen: but wayne was sure bobby was burying the lead. >> no, i ain't talking, i tell you anything you want to know. anything. just anything to make a-- not no little story, make a big one. >> stephen: and this was a bigun. wayne pressed bonnie for more details and finally he spilled it. >> i told. >> bobby said it was too hot to fish. >> stephen: too hot to fish. (laughter) >> the front of the paper said too hot to fish and it showed a picture of bobby. and then on the inside of the feature section man says
it's too hot to fish so basically it's the same headline. >> too hot to fish, cool. >> stephen: but with every big story comes big controversy. local bait shop owner carol ann. >> fish don't feel the weather. >> ain't never too hot to fish. as long as you got cold beer. >> stephen: but wayne had done his research, the old-fashioned way. >> i didn't call the crimetologist,-- climatologist, the weather channel. i didn't even go out and look at the thermometer. i just knew it was hot. >> stephen: but was it? we asked dr. dave stukes berry, state climatologist and a professor at the university of georgia. the professor explains the science in 3, 2, 1. >> whether this has been the hottest summer on record, the answer is yes. no. and maybe.
>> stephen: good enough. it was wayne ford's old school reporting that lead him to the big story. >> i never thought wow, this is a great story or this is a good story. just like wow, i'm glad i've got this story. >> stephen: and it is stories that will save journalism. because while wayne ford was pounding the pavement, "the new york times" was following their tweets. all the way to georgia. where they found a story they could read, rewrite and publish themselves. that is why we need old school reporters like wayne ford. >> i felt like i uncovered the truth that day. >> and i want to tell you a story. >> stephen: to tell us a story in black and white. >> that's the hottest day i ever seen. (laughter) >> stephen: thank you, wayne. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
(cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you very much, everybody. folks, welcome back. folks, it was a tense weekend across the country. on thursday another terrorist threat had new york city on high alert. plus this weekend two different airplanes received fighter jet escorts amid
reports of suspicious activity by passengers. on one flight the trouble was three passengers who made repeated bathroom trips and on the other two people spending an excessive amount of time in a bathroom. folks, this is why i have long called for removing bathrooms from airplanes. if you can't hold it for six hours, take a boat. it's on a bathroom. or you can just make every seat a toilet. that way the underwear bomber has got to show us what they got, plus you can pee in turbulence without becoming an oscillating sprinkler. of course, this is all because yesterday was the tenth anniversary of 9/11. now as a broadcaster i am obligated to remind you how you felt back then. you were sad. and ten years on we need to ask ourselves have we as a nation recovered.
well, i wasn't sure until i saw all this great 9/11 commemorative stuff you can buy. i'm talking about 9/11 shoes. 9/11 cribbage boards, 9/11 dog colors, even a 9/11 chess set honoring the police and firefighters who i assume fought to capture each other's kings. (laughter) >> folks, these terrorists attacked us because they hated our way of life. and what typifies our way of life more than selling each other useless crap made in china. if we can exploit-- (cheers and applause) >> if we can exploit this anniversary of their attack to make a quick buck, we win. that's hitting the terrorists with economic jiujitsu. and you know how they feel about the jews. now one-- one shopping grease-portuni i like comes fromly sellers who were offering commemorative
bottle-- bottles of 9/11 wine. this merlot right here, 9/11 merlot, this is perfect for when you're drinking to never forget. (laughter) >> you will wake up the next morning-- (cheers and applause) you will wake up the next morning saying my god, how much did i remember last night. (laughter) >> and no, before you ask it doesn't cost $9.11. 245 would be crass. it costs $19.11. you don't want to honor the heroes with some cheap ass $9 wine. besides, the sellers state they are donating 6 to 10% of the proceeds to the nine flooin memorial. so to hell with the naysayers like queen city councilman peter vallone, jr. who said what is next a 9/11 pass trom-- pastrami sand witch, no, counsel ilman, no, what is next is 9/11 sushi. sting way rushi in phoenix, arizona s offering the 9/11
remembrance roll made with spicei crab, av crad-- avocado and asparagus topped to tuna and quite fish. hmmmm that is a coalition of the filling. you know what would that go great with, some 9/11 chardonnay. and folks, kids will love the we shall never forget 9/11 the kid's book of freedom coloring book, especially this picture of osama bin laden cowhering behind one of his wives as the bullet is on its way to kill him. my only complaint here-- complaint here, the bull set too small for little billy to write in court see of the red, white and blue mother [bleep] so bravo! yes, bravo. (applause) bravo 9/11 merchandisers. this is the best way to poke a stick in the eye of our enemy. which is why i am pleased to offer this limited edition 9/11 never forget eye poking stick. (laughter)
folks, it can be yours for just 20-9/11. i want to assure you some the proceeds will go somewhere. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is host of the new abc news prime time special "jacqueline kennedy: in her own words" >> because i will tell you one one of thing about him, i was really, i was never any different once i was in the white house than i was before. but suddenly everything that had been a liability before, your hair, that you spoke french, that you didn't just adore the campaign and you didn't bake bread with flour up to your arms. then we got in the white house, all the things that i had always done, suddenly became wonderful. and i was so happy for jack, that he could be proud of me then. because you know, it made him so happy. it made me so happy. those were happy years. >> stephen: please welcome diane sawyer. (cheers and applause)
diane good to see you. nice to see you again. (applause) oh my gosh, i just, you forget, if you don't look at jacqueline kennedy for a while, that you really should just keep one eye covered to preserve one of your retinas because -- >> dazzling. >> stephen: she's so dazzling it burns your eyes out. >> exotic. >> stephen: let's talk about the speing. abc world news, you're the host, anchor of abc world news. how do you find time to do a special when you are anchoring every night? >> you know, i have days, i have weekends. >> stephen: see, i don't. i don't leave this building. >> nobody, you don't. >> stephen: i'm far more dedicated to my show than you are. are you telling me are you phoning in the nightly news. >> that is why you have this crowd yelling stephen, stephen, stephen! every night. >> (cheers and applause) >> stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: we do norkts i promise, you, we don't have time. >> and i did not have anybody yelling before i go on the news.
>> stephen: we can fix this. you want these people over at your studio? (cheers and applause) >> stephen: diane, diane, diane! diane, diane, diane! sounds nice, doesn't it? you are in the wrong business. >> really, really. i was going to say. >> stephen: now the special is called in her own words. >> uh-huh. >> stephen: but these tapes are from the 1960s. were women allowed to have their own words back then. i thought their husband kos have them committed if they used their own words. what is unusual about what we're hearing from the first lady here. >> well, first of all, you should know it is four months after the assassination. and she wills herself to sit down and talk about the years that are still painful for her to remember. but, you see this woman who is so different from the woman behind the sunglasses and the woman with the smile. >> stephen: why do you think she sat down in such a painful time? >> she did it for his tree. she loved reading books
about the people, not some of the process but the people who changed the world and the ideas that changed the world. and she really did it because she thought it was a privilege to be in the white house. and she thought she owd it to history, as difficult as it was, for her to do. >> stephen: there is some revelations that have come out of this. she called charles de gaulle an ego-- ego man ya, gandhi a pushi, horrible woman.çó compared lady bird johnson to a trained hunting dog. >> she did. she said she had-- she sounds much tougher than we think of her. >> you know, she has an absolute eye for human foibl and she can't resist saying what she really saw. and take these pictures where you see her smiling at people and then you hear what she was thinking about them. because she-- . >> stephen: it sounds like if you crossed her she would sweep the legs. >> what she-- what she wanted to do was tell the truth about the way people were really behaving. because that was her
historical eye, as she was taking us through it. >> stephen: why are we only hearing these recordings now. >> the recordings are only out now because carol inkennedy decide on the 50th anniversary of her father's inauguration that it was time. they were sealed in an vault, at the kennedy library because her mother said she shouldn't be released until long after her death. and carolyn decided that this was the year to do them. and by the way, she didn't edit them. and one of the wonderful things you see in these tapes is she starts out and she's so shy and she's so private. and she is not made for the kennedy natural political style. and over time, this thing happens. in which suddenly she's one of the biggest political assets anyone ever had in their lives. and you get to see her emerge. she's someone who thought she was going to be a witness to history and ended up, she made it herself. she made history. >> stephen: can i tell you something. i have a bone to pick with
actually playing these tapes. and i guess the bone is with you and with carolyn. and it's-- we learn things that i don't think we need to foe about our leaders. because it turned out that after the bay of pigs, she says in the recording that president kennedy cried. i don't need to know that my president is blubbering over anything. i want to know that my president is stalwart and steelly. doesn't that weaken somehow theñi memory of president kennedy to know the truth about him? >> how many times have cried. >> i have never cried. >> never? (laughter) >> stephen: i have never for any reason cried. and you're not going to make me start crying now. barbara walters couldn't do it and you can't do it either. >> stephen, i just want to tell me how you feel about not ever having cried. because-- . >> stephen: i feel fine. (laughter) >> stephen: damn you, damn you, you got me. thank you so much, diane.
>> thank you. >> stephen: diane sawyer, diane, diane, diane, diane! jacqueline kennedy in her own words airs tomorrow night at 9:00 on abc. we'll be right back. thank you, diane.

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